I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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