I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
