Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
