dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Dick very happy bro
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
