Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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