i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
