I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
