38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
