I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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