I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
