I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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