i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
