Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize