Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
