how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
