Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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