Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
