FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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