This is not my ceiling
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
