things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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