ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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