i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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