I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
