i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
