I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize