he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize