i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Randomize
