so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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