So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
