you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
