I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize