You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize