Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
