there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize