my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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