What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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