Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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