Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Sober January is a disaster.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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