He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
