i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
