btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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