I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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