I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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