I am midnight drunk by noon
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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