My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
