If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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