Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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