I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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