I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
