she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize