I cockslap morals
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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