I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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