the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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