Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
