the condom got lost in my hair
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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