the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
