On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
