My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
