No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
...so i touched it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just want to make out with him forever
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
