dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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