the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
