i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
