Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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