Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
