I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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