we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
