The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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