he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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