My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
