Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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