Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
