Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
