I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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