He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I could make wine with my vomit
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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