I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
3pm strippers are depressing
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
