I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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