My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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